I have discovered that my right brain has been quelled by the fact that my husband doesn't have one. No, really. He had part of the right half of his brain removed because of a tumor. Almost 30 years ago.
I don't blame him -- not really. God was gracious to reveal to me over the events of the last couple of days (see previous post) that I quit music right before I met hubs. It's NOT HIS FAULT. He might have been a result of that. I love him to my core. I told him tonight that I could live without him, but I certainly didn't want to. I quit when I thought my voice wasn't worth being listened to anymore (AGAIN, NOT HIS FAULT). SERIOUSLY, right before I left for Brasil. I don't really want to get into that for the public right now, so I'll refrain from the full story, but I'm comforted that I didn't lose myself because I chose hubby over my right brain, or creativity.
My left brain and hubby's adapted left brain (logic) work amazingly well together, and we have exchanges that no one would ever get who didn't know us (and sometimes his family doesn't even get our exchanges). My right brain (creativity) has no counterpart in our marriage because he has none, and his left brain (logic) has adapted amazingly well. As a result, I have "settled" for the left brain logical exchanges (which are REALLY A LOT OF FUN) at the expense of the right brain creativity. I have realized that and talked it through (a little) with hubs.
By my own choice (and not knowing how to express it), I have focused on my left brain -- the math, order, logic, administrative part of my brain, and I have stressed a little at the fact that my mind can't stop thinking about the things I have to do. I can make a list, and I thrive on checking things off that list, but my mind still races. What to do to calm the mind but put order to it?
I have discovered another solution. Feel the feels, and write down the thoughts, and play the music and make the adjustments to the knitting patterns and be okay with the imperfect yarn spun from the pretty fiber. I'm a "process" person as opposed to an "execution" person, which stresses the corporate America "me" out. The real me loves it, except for the fact that the firstborn in me wants to finish the process. Or maybe I want to finish the process because of societal pressure to be "responsible." I'm not sure. But that's okay, because I know that there might be a difference. If I want to finish, I want to finish. If it's pressure from outside, I'm not sure I want to finish.
In a single word, the solution is CREATE. I have a guitar that I picked up for the first time in at least 4 years. I have yarn that I've impulsively bought (SO PRETTY!) so that I can create something with it. I have food in my freezer for 6 months that I can use for dinners and leftovers. I have yarn in bins that I can use to create things that I will never use. Before we move, I will finish the unfinished projects and donate them to a shelter, but I have become much more selective in my yarn choices. None of what I have is bad, but the LOGICAL me wins over the CREATIVE me to say that I need to buy what I will make for ME or for friends. I have 4 (soon to be 5) sweater quantities in my stash that are for ME, and ME ALONE. It soothes me to knit for me. That may seem selfish, but it's not. Those projects for me will be finished. That yarn that will not be knit for me will be a waste of money, unless I donate the project.
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